I woke up trembling from the same dream a handful of times last night. I keep reaching up trying to open a door while someone on the other side is knocking but no matter how hard I try I can't will my body to do it. I'm slowly becoming paralyzed and the harder I struggle to move my body the faster it comes on. Then I snap up wide awake sweating and shaking.

I'd give anything to make this stop.

not a big fan

"I think you sabotage yourself. Things don't work because you don't want them to work. Maybe you're just afraid to be happy."

...I'm not a big fan of people trying to read in to me lately.

Stuck.

I've been having the same recurring dream for some time now where I'm completely paralyzed. I wake up from them and I can't move my body while panic sets in. I will myself to move, fully aware of my surroundings, but my body does not respond.

Then eventually I'm ok. But man does it scare the hell out of me for those few minutes (seconds?) they feel like an eternity.

Words From A Bar Stool

I watch her from the corner of my eye. She is a relic of another time. Alive here in my life for one night. She comes close and whispers "Let it go." But I can't. So I order another whiskey to help shed a few pounds from these shoulders. I'll either learn to balance or be crushed by it. But I just can't seem to put it down.

I didn't edit this. Sorry grammar nazis.
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I came to this morning standing in front of the mirror staring into it, with my hands to either side of the sink bracing me, until my face only becomes a series of shapes and colors. I'm so pale now that I don't even know if what I'm looking at is me or my ghost. For many months now I feel like the pages have been turning so fast that I haven't even hade the chance to read them. Life as I know it is slipping away and I am getting older. Barrelling head first into my future without having even the vagues understanding of my past. My memories all seem to have been dubbed over and subjected to a strobe light. I remember flickers of evenings and fragments of conversations. As I heave fruitlessly into the basin in front of me I think that maybe this time I should get serious about giving up my whiskey but that is only a fleeting thought and for today that reality is far more terrifying than continuing down into this cave. I stagger back into my room and sit at my desk clearing the empty flasks of Jack, various nips, beer bottles and food wrappers from the space in front of me. The room begins to spin in front of me and I collapse with all of the gravity of what I've become into my hands and sleep.

The lights flick on and shes there, laughing and smiling and then it is dark. The words "We can't keep doing this" repeat over and over again in the darkness. A flash of light takes me to a beach at sunset with her head in my lap. We're all alone with the ocean stretching out to the horizon touching the sky. A fog horn sounds and there is darkness again.

Not Just Yet....

I'll be devoting a little more time to writing now. I'll be heading back to school this fall and I'll have more time on my hands.

No words.

Sometimes the words just don't come to me.